Romance and Love

By Guest John Alanis – Author of the “Women Approach You” system

I went into the bank yesterday to make a deposit (a few doers had sent in their checks and money orders for my system, when a customer came in with a look of shock on his face.

He went to the teller and said, “Did you see that guy who just left? He kicked the door, and was cussing—is everything OK?” When he said this, the teller laughed.

“Oh, he does that all the time,” she said, “it’s just how he is. You get used to it—he’s always the same.”

What was interesting to me about this whole event was, if it had been a customer who was always polite and pleasant who’d started cussing and kicking the door, the bank personnel probably would have called the cops instead of laughing.

Why did they laugh? Because the guy was predictable. They knew what he was going to do, and would have thought something was wrong if he DIDN’T cuss and kick the door. In a strange way they could “trust” him.

I’ve written about this before, but it is such an important concept, I want to re-visit it today: I’ll take “predictability” in a person over “trust” and “integrity” any day of the week.

Why? Because “trust” and “integrity” are two highly emotionally charged words, and everyone has a slightly different definition of what they mean… and that’s where problems start.

What usually happens is this: two people get in a relationship with different definitions of “trust” or “integrity.” One person does something they think is perfectly OK, the other thinks it’s a violation of trust or integrity. They then classify the other as not being “trustworthy” (a very negative thing, something no one wants to be known as), and map that “untrustworthiness” into other areas of their life.

Everytime they do something they don’t like they build the “untrustworthy” image more and more, until a big blow up occurs, a blow up that was precipitated because two people had two different map/models of the world when it came to emotionally charged concepts.

Another problem with “integrity” and “trustworthiness” is, everyone thinks they have integrity and can be trusted… even the most hardened and ruthless of criminals. People love to impose their own “integrity map” on others because it makes them feel good.

It’s not that “honesty” and “trustworthiness” are useless concepts—they are, and people in general can pretty much agree on what is and isn’t dishonest. It’s the specifics where they get into trouble, and the act of imposing their definition of trust/honesty on others that causes friction.

That’s why I much prefer the concept of predictability—it’s emotionally neutral, and lays the groundwork on how to deal with individual people. Instead of imposing your map on them, you elicit and observe theirs and deal with them based on observed, recurring behaviors.

Let me give you an example. Years ago, I had a girlfriend who was, shall we say, a bit dramatic. If there was no drama, she’d create it. But I noticed something interesting about her. If I performed a “show of strength” every three days, the drama would cease. If I went over three days, it would start up again.

So, I was stern with her every three days, and the drama went away. Why this worked I have no idea (and it’s not something that applies to all women), but it did. She was predictable.

When you judge someone based on predictability, you can have relationships you could never have if you used trust/honesty as a measuring stick. Why? Because no one wants “dishonest” or “untrustworthy” people in their lives—makes you look like a fool. But when you use predictability you can spend time with people in certain areas, and avoid them in others.

For example, I used to have a friend who I just could not bring around any woman I was interested in. He’d cut me off, try to date her, and do everything he could to talk me out of seeing her. Obviously not behavior I want in my life. But, he was also a funny, personable guy, and someone who was great to go to happy hour with the guys.

So, I simply saw him for happy hour, enjoyed his company and that was that. He was predictable in that area, and just as predictable when I brought a woman… so I didn’t do that.

I had another friend who had a habit of flaking out about half the time we agreed to get together. But, he was good guy when we did get together, and I enjoyed hanging out with him. So, instead of getting rid of him, I always made plans that included other people and if he showed, great, if not I still had a good time. He was predictable, and I managed our relationship based on predictability.

Obviously this carries over in all areas of relating to women. All you need to do is determine if she’s predictable, and spend time with her in the areas you can predict. When you quit worrying about if you can “trust” her, and start spending time with her based on predictable behavior, you quit worrying and your emotions around her are stable.

Stability of emotion leads to good decision making, and allows you to choose your outcomes with women. So, the next time you’re with one you find attractive, stop asking, “can I trust her?” and start asking “is she predictable?” Things will go much better.
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