Romance and Love

I have been with my partner since early in 1993, and in all that time we’ve never had an argument. Many people simply can’t believe that, and of those that do they all want to know my secret. So I spent some time discussing it with my partner, and our family and friends so that I can tell you.

First let me clarify a little. We do have differences of opinion, and we often disagree, we just don’t argue. I do know about arguing, as has arguments myself-just not with my current partner! I really don’t like arguing, I grew up in a household with far too many arguments.

So how do we manage it? Having a successful relationship without arguing.

Presumption Of Innocence

This first principle is at once the most important, and the most difficult to remember when you’re feeling hurt or annoyed.

You must presume that your partner is innocent of trying to hurt you or trying to annoy you. Think about yourself for a moment, would you deliberately set out to hurt or annoy your partner? Of course you wouldn’t! So you have to assume that your partner would not deliberately want to annoy or hurt you.

Everyone does things that are either hurtful or annoying — or even worse both! But we very rarely do them on purpose.

Acceptance

This principle follows straight on from the last one. You need to work on accepting your partner just as they are. They will sometimes say hurtful things, and they will sometimes do or don’t do say or don’t say something that is annoying. They may have habits that drive you to distraction, or constantly make assumptions that irritate you.

What you have to remember here is that all these things that you might like to change are part of what makes that person the person you love. Ask yourself do you love your partner, or the person you want your partner to be? It may be appropriate to ask your partner to change some small things. For example clipping their toenails all over the carpet and then not cleaning up after themselves.

If you find any of their habits really objectionable then you have a choice of how to handle it. You can decide that it’s not so objectionable that you can’t live with it, or you can choose to discuss it with your partner. However screaming at them, hurling derogatory comments in an abusive manner, or starting an argument about it is unlikely to help.

Discuss – Don’t Argue

Of course you’re bound to find things that you don’t agree on — so how do you handle that? You both agree to have a discussion about the issue, and not an argument dragging personalities into the mix.

Sometimes you will be able to come to an agreement, sometimes however you will have to agree to disagree. There are times when it will be difficult to find that agreement, but a calm discussion about the actual issue will achieve that agreement, whereas an argument will often make the agreement much further away.

Be Honest

It’s important in a relationship to know that your partner is telling the truth. Which means it’s also important that you tell the truth. You may need to try and frame the truth in a tactful manner, for example if you really hate a particular item it may be more tactful to say that you prefer a different item.

It is also important when you are hearing the truth that you remember the first principle. You are telling the truth, not trying to be hurtful or annoying. You must also hear the truth assuming that your partner is not trying to annoy you or be hurtful.

Be Innocent

This principle completes the circle of principles. Not only must you presume your partner is innocent and they presume you are, you must actually be innocent. Don’t do or not do, say or not say something that would be hurtful to your partner. If you know your partner finds something annoying, try not to do it.

Following these principles on your own will defuse many arguments. If the both of you can follow these principles then you will be able to stop arguments before they even begin.

This is the beginning of the series of articles about “how not to argue” watch out some more information and advice about each of these principles over the next few days.  Please leave a comment if you have a question or would like to see me cover an area in more detail.

There’s no reason you should be feeling as if your relationship isn’t working as well as it could. My recommended book Save My Marriage Today will help to keep the romance and love in any relationship – whether married or just dating, whether you need to improve the relationship or save it completely. If you are ready to read more about how to repair, restore or enhance the love in your life, visit Save My Marriage Today and download this great ebook. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now.